Friday/ Saturday : Day 8 & 9

      Sorry that my post have begun to mesh with one another, to tell you the truth so have my days. I’m really struggling here; I don’t know if I’m going to be able to sleep at night and it seems when I do I spend the day crying. I know my family is worried. I do my best to put on a brave front for them but some times the tears just leak through. I don’t know how to express my emotions. I’m afraid if I speak it out loud that my emotions will be taken wrong. The last thing I need is for jealousy and unfounded accusations to bring more pain for me. After all as my parents have kindly pointed out to me so many times I’m a “married” woman who had no business with a male best friend. As you can imagine this has caused many problems with me being able to express my self, fear inside the pain.  Its hard for me to speak to anyone really; I know my extended family has their own life to live. I am still so angry with my mom for not telling me about this that I am afraid if I opened my mouth nothing but venom would seep through. No matter how long ago this happened no matter how long it has been since we talked the fact that me losing him is still fresh to me.

     I have from the last day we talked held on to the idea that it was not the end. I knew he was struggling but god if you guys could have seen him the way I did. He was an amazing musician who could have done so much with it all if he just gave up the stupid @#$ he was doing. It was hard for us, simply because we had different genders no one could understand our friendship. Yes I am not here to deny that we did date but I wish people could understand it went so much further than that trivial $#@#. I can’t understand why he did not call me that night, I would have been there for him, he had to have known that!!! We were always there for each other no matter what. No matter what other people thought, @%$@ them. Why did he have to give in to them, why couldn’t he keep fighting.

    As I said before I am sorry to unload out on you guys like this many of you hardly know me others are thinking wait I thought this was a weight loss blog. But the truth is this has so much to do with my weight loss. I am struggling and fighting every demon that I have right now. You guys don’t know how much I want just to sit on my @$$ and eat every comfort food you can think of. To just lie in bed all day and cry, and to be honest I guess I have given in to this a bit. I am at least sleeping seven hours a night now. That’s good. But I find that I am lacking the energy still to really even get off my but and do my day to day stuff. I did not work out for 2 days. But let me tell you I at least beat one demon. I kept my calories down to a minimum. You can not believe how strong the cravings have been, I have been wanting sugar with every ounce of my being. But nope I can’t give in! I’m going to keep living my life dam it, and I’m going to live it to its fullest and I cant do that fat. I want to live a long healthy life, I want to live to see my great grand children; and even though I can not control the other stuff that happens in life I can make sure that I don’t eat my self to death. Its scary to think that but at 235lbs that what I was doing.

So with all that said I am proud to announce that I have lost 1 more lb. Doing good on my Journey to lose 3lbs between day 7-14.

Day 8: Sleep Loss

 

  SO I write this a day late because Thursday was one of THOSE days.

It all started with wed night. As you can see above I really did not get much sleep. I’m not sure what I can blame it on except I found my self doing a whole lot of thinking. I’m still not sure how to process my best friends death. After all if I really cared for him as much as I did then why did it take me so long to find out about his death. I could have called his parents home at any time these last two years instead of looking for him online. I did send two letters to his home, I just assumed he got them. I really hoped it was just he made up with his girlfriend who told him she wanted him to have nothing to do with me. That he had moved on to a better part of his life and just choose not to include me. I feel cheated at a chance to grieve. I mean if someone had told me I could have gone to the funeral, I could have been there with other people sharing my emotions. How can I justify feeling this kind of pain for someone who  I had no contact with for that long. I guess I always hoped maybe with time he and his girlfriend.. mabye wives relationship would strengthen and she could see I was not a threat and he would call me out of the blue and be like hey stranger and Id say hey punk and it would all be the same again. I just don’t know what to do or what to feel.

So as you can imagine I felt like $#!* all day and honestly I feel like I’m just sick. I went to see the doctor first thing in the morning but they could not get me in till Friday. I still did not do to bad.

Calories taken in:1,493
Calories burned:2,978

Day Seven: Body bug time!

      Great day today! I got my Body bug in so now I can calculate how many calories I am really burning. The information I obtained was only from 12pm to 9:30pm. Tomorrow should provide some more accurate numbers I hope. Though I do have a doctors appointment so most of tomorrow might just be sitting.

Today I consumed: 1,571 Calories
Today I burned : 2,744 Calories

      Please forgive me as I try to add images, I am very new at this and doing my best.

Most of my calories were burned during my work out and that's great! Something about having that little gadget on just makes me want to follow my diet and do more activity so if that keeps up its paid for its self right then and there.
   What's really interesting is that the spikes for my calories burned while playing with my kids are a little work out with in them selves. That should tell you I should tell my dishes to take a hike and just play with my kids more.

As you can see I was really not right with my targets but today was a good day because I got my work out. I am going to collect info for a whole week and then see about changing my targets.

   I am really interested about my sleep patterns I wake up every few hours with my kids. They have issues at night that I am trying to help them overcome. Some nights I can sleep a whole 8 hours some nights I’m up every 2 hours.  I’m sure that has alot to do with how tiered I am during the day and why I am struggling to keep doing my work outs.

Day six : Half @$$ attempt

I know I should have weighed in tomorrow to make it a whole week but I don't predict much change between today and tomorrow. So my weigh in showed 1lb loss and I honestly say I have only my self to blame for that. This week really has not been my best effort. Honestly it has not even been a real effort. I am not tracking my food every day, just when its convenient and that really has to stop. I ordered a food journal to carry with me so I can not make the excuse that I do not have a computer near by or that I lost my paper I was keeping track of today on.
Also this week I commit to really focus on my work outs, I think I kinda have been going through the motions but not really putting my heart in to it. I am going to be getting a heart rate monitor tomorrow and I hope this will help me stay honest with how hard I am really working out.
So maybe with all of your help I can stick to my guns this week and lets shoot for loosing 3lbs on week 2!

Day Five: Depression and Eating

Day 4: Sorry I did not blog but I was out of the house all day. I did not log my food as I was away from the computer and did not work out. Lessons Learned.
1. Buy a portable food journal.
2. Work out at the beginning of the day because excuses become more
numerous as the day goes by.
January 4th begins the day with me facing my worst weight loss enemy - Depression. As many of you know I recently found out that a very close friend, in fact I would say the best friend I ever had took his life two years ago. The messed up thing is that I have been looking for him him these last two years. Everyone knew I was looking for him but no one thought to tell me. Of course everyone has their excuses; mostly that I was pregnant at the time and they thought the "stress" would hurt the baby. Fine .. the baby is now 2 years old, no one thought to tell me so I did not spend hours on the computer looking for him!? !?
So what does this have to do with my weight loss? As I have started coming to terms with all this I face a battery of emotions and instead of dealing with them in a healthy adult way, I deal with them with the way I know best- Food. I was lucky today that my kids were around me snapping me out of my fog from time to time and I was able to realize what I was doing. But I have been guilty many days of sitting down to drown my blues with cookies or ice cream and not realizing what I am doing, or maybe not caring, until the food is all gone.
To be honest I'm not sure how that started, I have heard people say that its learned behavior from when we are children. Parents give us food to shut us up if we are crying, help us celebrate if we are happy, so we tie our emotions to food. I don't know if this is true but as an adult there comes a time when I have to stop blaming my parents for my actions. So the lesson learned today was that I need to find a healthy outlet. I need to really reflect on this, maybe look for someone I can talk to about it all.

Overview for Today:
Calories taken in:1,690
Work out : 3 1/2 miles walked

Day Three: Can't sleep

I'm not sure if its related to my new effort at losing weight, but I just could not sleep last night. I was all over the place, could not get comfortable at all. The only think I can think of that was different was that I really made an effort to work out. I jogged/walked for 30 min. With intervals of 10 min of jogging and 5 min of walking in between. I was really tiered and my heart rate got up to about 170. I need to look up and see what my target heart rate should be. Its hard to keep it monitored because I can't jog on the treadmill and hold on to the heart rate monitor very well.

Diet went well I think. I started taking vitamins; was not really sure what to take, and since I still had some of my prenatal vitamins left I decided to take them. (Sad part I was thinking man 60 calories in 2 pills!)

Breakfast:290 calories
Lunch:530 calories
Snack: 190
Dinner: 472 calories

Total: 1,482

Once again below my target. ya!! I wonder when I should weight in next. I was trying to keep to weighing in once a week, but its hard not to jump on the scale. Plus to try to reason out why I should weigh now it will be helpful in keeping accurate how many calories I should be having each day, right? But hard to think their would be much if any of a chance in three days.
(Unless I was going crazy like fatcubemonkey.com and dropping a lb a day!! wow he is my hero.)


Oh and on a side note, I received a letter from my insurance today telling me that my premiums were going to go up. I know they are already high because of my weight. I was 215lbs when I applied for health insurance, so what I am thinking is I should call them on Monday and see if maybe I can get a reduction in premiums due to weight loss. What do you guys think?

Day Two: Diet is key as well

So Just to round it out with yesterday I DID work out yesterday, but man in two weeks my body really got out of the routine and I struggled to just get 2 miles done.
But here is where I messed up, we spent the day out of the house and I did not plan what I was going to eat-then I ate pizza (yup a dieters best friend)- so I went to bed with no clue about my calories.

Day two Breakfast:
Banna : 105 Calories
1/2 yogurt : 60 calories
Left overs: 460 (This was a stupid decision I should have kept bfast light)
625 breakfast is just out of the question!
Lunch:
1/2 Chicken Pasta-300 (Just a guess..)
1/2 Deli Wrap- 100 calories
Garlic Bread- 100 calories (hard to know so many kids out there)
8oz sprite-97 calories

Snack: Honey Mustard Pretzels -240 calories (should have had an apple!)

Dinner:
2 1/2 slices Garlic chicken Pizza -320 calories
1/2 Salad/w fat free dressing -125 calories
Simply Orange juice- 60

Total: 1,967

According to Live Strong I can Have 1,944 calories a day, I honestly thought that I had way more than that. It's so hard to accurately determine the calories one really eats. Many of the things were estimates but I did my best to do them accurately.