Sorry that my post have begun to mesh with one another, to tell you the truth so have my days. I’m really struggling here; I don’t know if I’m going to be able to sleep at night and it seems when I do I spend the day crying. I know my family is worried. I do my best to put on a brave front for them but some times the tears just leak through. I don’t know how to express my emotions. I’m afraid if I speak it out loud that my emotions will be taken wrong. The last thing I need is for jealousy and unfounded accusations to bring more pain for me. After all as my parents have kindly pointed out to me so many times I’m a “married” woman who had no business with a male best friend. As you can imagine this has caused many problems with me being able to express my self, fear inside the pain. Its hard for me to speak to anyone really; I know my extended family has their own life to live. I am still so angry with my mom for not telling me about this that I am afraid if I opened my mouth nothing but venom would seep through. No matter how long ago this happened no matter how long it has been since we talked the fact that me losing him is still fresh to me.
I have from the last day we talked held on to the idea that it was not the end. I knew he was struggling but god if you guys could have seen him the way I did. He was an amazing musician who could have done so much with it all if he just gave up the stupid @#$ he was doing. It was hard for us, simply because we had different genders no one could understand our friendship. Yes I am not here to deny that we did date but I wish people could understand it went so much further than that trivial $#@#. I can’t understand why he did not call me that night, I would have been there for him, he had to have known that!!! We were always there for each other no matter what. No matter what other people thought, @%$@ them. Why did he have to give in to them, why couldn’t he keep fighting.
As I said before I am sorry to unload out on you guys like this many of you hardly know me others are thinking wait I thought this was a weight loss blog. But the truth is this has so much to do with my weight loss. I am struggling and fighting every demon that I have right now. You guys don’t know how much I want just to sit on my @$$ and eat every comfort food you can think of. To just lie in bed all day and cry, and to be honest I guess I have given in to this a bit. I am at least sleeping seven hours a night now. That’s good. But I find that I am lacking the energy still to really even get off my but and do my day to day stuff. I did not work out for 2 days. But let me tell you I at least beat one demon. I kept my calories down to a minimum. You can not believe how strong the cravings have been, I have been wanting sugar with every ounce of my being. But nope I can’t give in! I’m going to keep living my life dam it, and I’m going to live it to its fullest and I cant do that fat. I want to live a long healthy life, I want to live to see my great grand children; and even though I can not control the other stuff that happens in life I can make sure that I don’t eat my self to death. Its scary to think that but at 235lbs that what I was doing.
So with all that said I am proud to announce that I have lost 1 more lb. Doing good on my Journey to lose 3lbs between day 7-14.
No comments:
Post a Comment